I was thinking the other day about what people say and what they really mean. How much easier would it be if people stated what they really meant, instead of saying what they have been conditioned to say.
This is interesting to me because people only know their existence and how they feel, so when they speak about something, they are really broadcasting what they are thinking about themselves. A person may be commenting on something you are doing, but it is only their perception they are commenting about. One person can make a comment about a particular subject and another person could take their life experience and make it into a negative idea. This misunderstanding of what people are really thinking when they speak, causes judgment in our views of the world. If people would say what they really mean deep down, we could have a better understanding of relationships we encounter.
What we say is only how we feel!
When someone speaks it has nothing to do with what they are directing their attention towards. It is their inner feeling coming out expressing the hidden feeling inside that person. They think their reality is absolute, but it is just their perception of reality that they are experiencing.
I will give this example:
Kim and Bob are in a relationship. She states that she is angry because Bob is irresponsible and didn't bring home milk like she asked him to. What Kim is really doing, is projecting her denied irresponsibility onto Bob like it is his fault she feels angry. She is attacking her partner and blaming him for her hurt feelings about herself. She feels that she is irresponsible on the inside, but denies that to be a part of her life, so she believes it has to be a part of Bob that is making her angry. Bob is now angry because he feels attacked. That uncovers a denied aspect of Bob that comes out like this … "Shut up, you always blame me for everything, you are so mean and hurtful". "I was going to get the milk later". This is now Bob telling Kim his hurtful feelings about himself.
This continues until they have become so scared of each other, they quit, or one person bites it and validates the the feelings of the other.
Imagine if everyone said what they really were feeling instead of reacting to an unconscious fear.
The same situation above could be played out like this:
Bob gets home with no milk and Kim is angry… Kim says, "Bob why did you forget the milk?" "I am so aggravated because I am overweight, I feel unlovable inside, I am unhappy in life and I am angry with myself because I feel irresponsible". How different would that be if Bob could sense her pain instead of feeling blamed. He could sense that she needs help in that instance instead of returning with his pain.
Think about this in other stressful situations of life. Imagine yourself driving and you offend someone by accidentally cutting them off. Instead of getting the finger, they would stick their head out of the window and say, "I am so angry at myself because I don't feel worthy of getting a new job so I feel stuck with the one I have". On a not so funny serious note, in a time of war, instead of hearing someone say "I will kill you" you would hear "I feel so much pain inside because of my mother wasn't there for me, now I just want you to feel my pain and validate it's there". When viewed by another's point of view, that is a pretty dramatic presentation that would be hard to justify war. Another person's hurt is only their own, we choose to identify with it because we are dealing with the same things in our lives.
Imagine if you could hear only what people really mean.
Let's look at this another way, Bob get's home with no milk and Kim is angry. She states she is angry with him because he is irresponsible and didn't bring home milk like she asked him to. Bob sees that she is in trouble and it has nothing to do with him, so he responds with kind words that validate Kim's painful feelings.
Of course, this is not anyone's job or responsibility to take care of anyone. This is common to feel like way because our world consists of blaming everything we think and feel on everyone else, so it is assumed that the other person is causing our pain. It is our responsibility to learn what we are having trouble with and correct it. If everyone concentrates on making their energy equal, then everyone around that person benefits.
When we become in touch with ourselves, we become peaceful
If Kim would find and accept her denied, hurtful parts of her mind and change her perception of her negative feelings about herself, this situation would not play out. She would not find anger with Bob because it is not something she possesses. She would not see the world as negative and hurtful because that no longer exist inside her mind.
A person that has accepted their emotional repressions, will in turn attract like minded people and will continue to grow in the same positive way. The same is true for someone who chooses to blame others for their emotional shortcomings; they will fall into what feels like a trap of negativity. They will surround themselves with negativity until they find motive to change.
The key is to accept your feelings, your feelings are you!
I have written about relationships and why you feel the way you do in great detail in another post called
- What angers you in another person has nothing to do with the other person, it is your feelings that you deny and project on them. This is like a window into your mind that you can use to identify your repressed feelings. Use this to identify what you can work on in your life, not spread hatred.
- Do not deny any feelings that come up in the process of self exploration. These feelings and thoughts are not just hanging around, this is a part of you. Listen to your thoughts, they are telling you something about yourself!
- When angry at another person and you find yourself blaming someone, take the you in you sentences and replace it with an I. Example: Instead of You are so irresponsible" say "I am so irresponsible". This really solidifies your thoughts and puts it into perspective for you to rationalize what is really going on.
- Think positive. Replace negative thoughts with positive. Say to yourself, "I accept the fact that I am what ever you find about yourself.
- Realize that you attracted this person into your life because it is what is familiar to you.
- Replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. You are accepting your negative thoughts and choosing to do something different.
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Mark Babineaux
